


Nothing More Than Disgusting

by TheCharise98



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean Hates Himself, Demon Dean, Demon Dean Winchester, Depression, Gen, One Shot, Season/Series 09 Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-26
Updated: 2014-05-26
Packaged: 2018-01-26 09:05:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1682723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCharise98/pseuds/TheCharise98
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Dean Winchester had become his worst nightmare. He was now the thing he always feared he would become, a monster. Dean sat alone on his bed and look around at his room. It was still the same bunker; nothing had actually changed, but at the same time everything seemed duller, less alive."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing More Than Disgusting

Dean Winchester had become his worst nightmare. He was now the thing he always feared he would become, a monster. Dean sat alone on his bed and look around at his room. It was still the same bunker; nothing had actually changed, but at the same time everything seemed duller, less alive. Sam had tried to be understanding after Dean became a demon. He would remind Dean that they were still brothers and that he would do anything to reverse this. Even though Sam didn't try to act different around Dean, he could still see the fear in Sam's eyes, and Dean knew that he wasn't okay. Dean sat alone on his bed and thought about how Sam must see him. Dean found himself to be disgusting and terrifying, and couldn't imagine Sam thinking any differently. No one would be able to convince Dean that he wasn't a horrible monster. Dean sat alone on his bed and thought about Cas. Castiel hadn't even so much as called since he found out what happened to Dean. Dean wasn't sure if he was angry at him for letting the first blade affect him this much, or if he was heartbroken because the Dean he knew was no longer around. Either way it was obvious to Dean that Cas didn't want anything to do with him. The thing that was bothering Dean most was the way Sam was treating him, like Dean hadn't changed at all. Dean could feel the evil inside of him and he noticed when he would be completely okay with doing something that would horrify him as a human. So if Sam treats him exactly the same, then what does that say about his character. Dean sat alone on his bed, wondering if becoming a demon really changed him at all. Dean thought that maybe getting cured wouldn't help the big picture, that he was a disgusting monster even when he was human. Dean sat alone on his bed and he could feel tears start to swell in his eyes. Crying doesn't come naturally to Dean, but that didn't stop the tears from flowing. Dean never wanted to be like this. He had spent his whole life trying to be the hero and now he was one of the monsters he set out to kill. Dean sat alone on his bed, holding the demon blade in his hand, longing for some kind of escape. He remembered the feeling of getting stabbed, the sudden pain that filled him, and the silence that came after. He remembered the blissful calm of death and the peace in knowing he wouldn't be able to hurt Sammy anymore. He wanted to be able to feel that again. He didn't want to be this monster anymore. He wanted to end it all. He didn't know what would happen after he died, there was no lore on a demon afterlife. Dean didn't care where he went, be it Hell, Purgatory, some kind of Limbo, or even nothing. He didn't care as long as he wasn't living on earth as a demon. Dean sat alone on his bed pondering the consequences of taking his own life. To him there were none, Sam was trying to stay strong, but inside he was terrified, Cas didn't care enough to even call, and the world would have one less demon to worry about. Dean sat alone on his bed examining the scar that was left from his death, using it as a guide, pressing the demon blade against it. Tears of both sadness and relief streaked down his cheek as he shoved the blade into his stomach. Dean fell back into his bed and smiled as he felt his blood, his life, pour out of him. He heard a muffled yell and saw a Sam shaped blur run towards him as everything went black.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Cas get over here I think he's waking up! Dean? Are you conscious?" Dean groaned as he opened his eyes and took in his surroundings. The room was lit with a dull fluorescent light, the walls were blank and a sky blue color, and at the end of the room was a large window with yellow drapes.

"Where am I? What happened?" Dean asked.

Sam's eyes were red and puffy from crying and dark circles underlined his eyes, it was obvious he hadn't slept in quite a while. 

"You're in the hospital, Dean. I found you after you stabbed yourself and I brought you here to see if they could do anything. They said that if I had found you even just a couple minutes later you probably wouldn't have survived." A flood of relief filled Sam's face as he replied. 

Dean tried to sit up, but a pain shot through his stomach, he grimaced as he sank back into the bed. Sam rushed to his side to help him lie down again. 

"Wait, Dean, you shouldn't try to move. You should just rest a bit."

"Yes, Dean, we wouldn't want you to hurt yourself."

Cas had been so quiet that Dean didn't even notice him standing there. 

"You sound awfully spiteful for a guy who hasn't talked to me in months!" Dean shot back. 

 "You idiot! Just because I needed some time to work through the fact that you're a  _demon_ means I don't care about you?  Even if that was true it wouldn't give you the right to act so recklessly! Did you even think about what this would do to Sam?" Cas yelled at Dean

"Of course I thought about Sammy. He was who I was thinking of when I did this. Whenever I look into his eyes all I see is pain and fear. I know that he was hurt when I died, but living with the fact that your brother is a demon. I can't put Sam through that much hurt."

Dean felt a lump forming in his throat as he replied. He hated how much he had been crying lately and he wasn't going to let himself burst into tears out in public where anyone could see him.

"I'm sorry, Dean. It's true that seeing you like this does terrify me, but you are my brother, and I will never give up on you. You are always above everything." Sam said with a crack in his voice. 

"Dean, right before you came back Sam was summoning Crowley to make a deal to bring you back. You two are so stupidly codependent on each other that Sam would rather have you as a demon than not at all, and I would too. I know I haven't really been there for you, but I guess it took almost losing you twice to realize how much I need you." Cas' voice was calmer as he spoke.

"Like I've said before, Dean, I will not stop until you are back to normal. Until then Cas and I will help you out of devil's traps, keep your fries unsalted, and make sure your eyes don't flash black in front of any hunters." Sam said trying to add humor to the situation.

"Sam, even if you can cure me and make me human again, what would that even change? You treat me like nothing has changed. I can feel the evil that's inside of me, but you act like I'm exactly the same, so obviously I wasn't as good as I thought I was." The lump in dean's throat, but Dean was not going to allow himself to give in to the tears.

"If you weren't already bed-ridden then I would punch you right now. Of course I notice the difference! How could you think I didn't? I know you like the back of my hand so I can tell that you are not yourself. You have done things that have horrified me and you didn't even blink. I didn't want to treat you like a demon because I didn't want to look at you differently when you became human again. I figured that if I believe that you are the same then maybe it would be true. Don't you dare say that you were not a completely wonderful human. You were one of the bravest, kindest, most amazing human I had ever met, and I believe you can be again. You can still be that person as a demon. You can't let this change who you are. It will take some work, but you can still be that amazing man I knew once." Sam replied 

"Even though you aren't quite the man you once were, you are still the best demon I've ever met. You still care which is more than we can say for most demons. Sam and I still love you through everything, and I know I speak for the both of us when I say we'd rather have you." Cas reached down and grabbed Dean's hand "Cursed or not." 

Dean couldn't control himself anymore and broke down crying. Sam and Cas just held him there, letting him release everything. Right there in the hospital Dean knew he would be able to get through anything. Dean sat on the bed, surrounded by family, and they helped him believe that maybe, just maybe, he was more than a disgusting monster. 

 

 

 


End file.
